Thinking Unenslaved

photo credit: Robert Galbraith/Reuters

“…is now proven to get you nowhere. Thank fecking Gawd.”

photo credit: Chris Keane/Reuters

I’m just sad to see him go, but I can’t blame him, since the media never let him have a voice. I think this election will always be tainted by that, in my eyes. John Edwards didn’t lose any primaries. The media just didn’t let anyone know he was there to vote for.

ooops. my bad. that was SOTU. (the link is to the full SOTU text as posted by Think Progress)

{by the by, some of the “fun” in this post is in the image mouseovers. just sayin’….}

indeed. the last-and-final SOTU by Preznut Chimperator was yet another exercise in “Shut The Fuck Up, Chimpy”, flavored overmuch by the inherent sense of melancholy and dread that accompanies unbiased critical thinking as applied to careful consideration upon the actual state of the Union. in my humble opinion, it really couldn’t have been:

1. more depressing
2. more predictable
3. more embarrassing
4. more unremarkable

probably the most telling synopsis of this SOTU, as with any other, is the US Presidential Speeches Tag Cloud. i have this separately bookmarked in my browsers, because it encompasses all major presidential speeches, not just the SOTU/STFUs, and is a simple way to compare the focus of past speeches, and past presidents.

as usual, Think Progress has a great series of rebuttals to assertions and declarations made in this most recent SOTU. they even went so far as to provide separate tags for two different forms of capitalization: State of the Union and State Of The Union. either way you do it, the posts there are, as usual, a great window into how stupid he is.

personally, i think his opening lines were the most telling (and thus ensues the quotational cherry-picking!):

Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined.

yeah, no shit, Chimpy. first of all, it’s really uncool to rub in the fact that it’s been SEVEN FECKING YEARS since you stole the preznutty. and “tested in ways none of us could have imagined” means far more to the average, every-day American than a coked-up fuckwit like you can likely fathom.

All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people’s business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. And it remains our charge to keep.

again, no shit. it’s been SEVEN FECKING YEARS, moron. when exactly the fuck are you going to start carrying out the people’s business? ALL the people’s business. oh. never? yeah, go fig.

The actions of the 110th Congress…

now, just stop right there!

…will affect the security and prosperity of our Nation long after this session has ended.

i said, stop. gah. pinhead. yes they will, but only because they’re having to hop around cleaning up everything you’ve thrown your fetid chimpanzee feces at for the past SEVEN FECKING YEARS. do you seriously not realize that even your own party hates you? pfft.

most of us know better. even the lady with almost as much corporate baggage as you have knows better. STFU, Chimpy.

In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our Nation great.

exactly. thus, presuming a majority of the people vote for a Democrat for preznut, we’ll start getting better guidance in about a year.

In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth.

“for the war machine and major corporations”

We have other work to do on taxes. Unless the Congress acts, most of the tax relief we have delivered over the past 7 years will be taken away. Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800. Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm, and I am pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders.

oh, hah-hah-hah. very funny. your speech writer obviously crafted that little gem while snuggling with Jonah Goldberg in his mother’s basement. i’ll give you this, little man. you did a hell of a job reading through the cheetoh stains. anyway, STFU, Chimpy. ignorant bastard. not even “Uncle Ben” there seems to agree with you.

The people’s trust in their Government is undermined by congressional earmarks….

while that statement isn’t necessarily untrue, it misses the larger point that people’s trust in their government is undermined by the ineffectual and often embarrassing “leadership” of a “man” who is only marginally capable of communicating his own inadequacy. look, Chimpy, the idiots on the left there are the only ones who are happy with you, and they’re only happy with you when you’re not around.

Our shared responsibilities extend beyond matters of taxes and spending.

holy shit, Chimpy. it only took you SEVEN FECKING YEARS to figure that out. oh, wait. my bad. you were already hip to the “war” and “hypocrisy” squares.

The No Child Left Behind Act is a bipartisan achievement. It is succeeding. And we owe it to America’s children, their parents, and their teachers to strengthen this good law.

this, coming from The Chimpanzee Who Should Have Been Left Behind. i have yet to meet an education professional who has positive things to say about No Child Left Behind. it’s not a good law, Chimpy, and your opinion on the issue, my brave little below-average student, hardly matters.

{….skipping a whole bunch of shit because i have responsibilities….}

One of the most important tools we can give them is the ability to monitor terrorist communications. To protect America, we need to know who the terrorists are talking to, what they are saying, and what they are planning.

i was waiting for that. it wouldn’t have been a genuine Boosh Speech without a paragraph or two of fear-mongering.

America is leading the fight against global hunger.

indeed, eradicating those who follow the path of Islam, the most populous religion in the world, will certainly help make more food available for others.

America is leading the fight against disease.

except where it came to electing presidents over the past two elections, anyway.

America is a force for hope in the world because we are a compassionate people, and some of the most compassionate Americans are those who have stepped forward to protect us.

maybe it’s just a product of my own public schooling, but i didn’t think the word “compassion” was spelled I·N·V·A·S·I·O·N. or O·I·L. let alone G·R·E·E·D.

The secret of our strength, the miracle of America, is that our greatness lies not in our Government, but in the spirit and determination of our people.

again, a bit of truth shines out at the end. we’ll see how your kind fares in November. in the meantime, STFU, Chimpy.

photo credit: Erik Van ‘T Woud / AFP / Getty

1. Britney Spears’ new boyfriend is seen here retrieving her career for another empty, meaningless, night on the town.

2. Anna Nicole Smith reportedly found a new boyfriend today. He’s a real wheeler-dealer.

3. An attempt to resurrect Janet Jackson’s relevance for this year’s SuperBowl was thankfully curtailed by crowded sidewalks.

yes, yes, shameless recycling, i know. it’s part of what makes life worth living, isn’t it?

photo credit: AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Tonight, Preznut Boosh will give his last State of the Union address. Undoubtedly, it will be a hallmark occasion. Meaning, we should all probably go out and buy apology cards for everyone we know in Europe and the Middle East as we begin to invade Iran. Oh, and sympathy cards for every family of a marine, soldier, airman, or seaman that we know.

photo credit: AFP/File/Paul J. Richards

President Bush offers a final kiss goodbye to American “liburtee” and “them other thangs” mentioned in the Declaration of Independence.

photo credit: Eric Draper/White House/Handout/Files/Reuters

“…to find out if he’d be more popular if he drove around with Barney on the top of his car.”

a funny thing i noticed the other day was that searches coming through WordPress do not necessarily match other searches (yahoo, google, etc). in fact, they rarely do. as a result, this installment of Search Engine Shenanigans is derived exclusively from WordPress searches as reported in my blog stats utility. fun, fun, fun!

• otherwhirled ~ several searches on this word over the past week. i’m glad i’m here for you.
• bear attacks ~ one of my more popular WordPress searches. it results in this and this. shameless name-dropping at it’s othewhirledly best.
• presidency ages you ~ yes, yes it does. my apologies for this one. this is from further back than i could resurrect the photo. that’s one of the reasons why i host the photos here, now.
• hillary nude {with various spellings} ~ thankfully, there are no results for this search on my blog, so i’m sure i get hits from that because of the use of “Hillary”, “Hilary”, etc. but i must say, as a search phrase, the 37 of you who have come here during the past week from it are absolutely disgusting. and you have no taste. gah. sickos!
• condoleezza rice (condi, condoleeza, condoleza, etc) nude ~ now here, i can help you out. unsurprisingly, the variations of this all together constitute my most popular search phrase.
• satan three heads ~ i was intrigued by this, but it’s another one that doesn’t directly result in my blog. i like the attitude, though. keep trying! (by word usage, it results in this one, if you’re curious)
• muslim hookers ~ this is my personal favorite. remember, when shopping for muslim hookers, Western Civilization is your #1 Shopping Source! (because you don’t want the ones you wind up with in the middle east)
• touchdown Jesus ~ still scoring after all these months. one of you heathens actually searched for “touchdown jesus” with no capitalization. as i understand things, you’re going to hell.
• how to live like a conservative ~ apparently, these people need tutorials to perpetuate their self-aggrandizing duplicity. sadly, i don’t know that this post gives them enough information.
• pope benedict’s eyes ~ yes, i’ve got them, and i’m not giving them back. this gives a match on this post, which is probably not what they’re looking for.
• Otherlings ~ stay away from my children, you perverts!
• Condi’s legs ~ you incorrigible bastards! Gwen Ifil is going to kick your asses. you’re not supposed to be looking at her legs.
• chuck norris–hairpiece ~ hah, hah, hah! yeah, no fecking doubt.

previous shenanigans:

• I
• II
• III
• IV
• V

photo credit: Erik Van ‘T Woud / AFP / Getty

1. A worker for the Thompson campaign returns the ex-candidate to the cemetery where he and Jeri first met.

2. Once again, it appears Rudy Giuliani is using campaign funds for his personal benefit. Yesterday, a campaign worker was photographed delivering new bedroom furniture to the Giuliani home.

3. An unidentified White House employee was photographed early Thursday morning while belatedly returning Michael Chertoff to his crypt for the day.

i seem to get more hits when i don’t post. so, obviously, i felt it prudent to post about this subject so as not to get too many hits.

of course, if i really cared about hits on the inside, i wouldn’t blog. some of my friends mention off-hand how many hundreds of hits they’ve had on some days, and all i can do is chuckle at my consistently-less-than-a-hundred-per-day.

but i still find it funny that i get more hits on a day like today: today being the day after a day on which i didn’t post.

conversely, until i met Mrs. Other, i always managed to attract the weird ones, so it shouldn’t be surprising that i continue to do so.

~~~

i am typing to you today from a new computer (about which i should theoretically be happy, but i’m not, because i’m an ungrateful bastard), sitting in an office in a house we are now trying to sell. i detail the gory details of the details here. sorry, after watching the past several primary thingies, i figured some intentional redundancy would be redundantly redundant, so i got all redundant about it. anyway, in a fit of temper this morning, i even compiled a short list of my fine art work that was taken on or from this property. because even though i’m starting to get caught up in Mrs. Other’s excitement about the move and her new job and all that, the very idea of moving again is about as thrilling to me as slowly inserting a corkscrew into my frontal lobe while listening to republican campaign speeches and standing on a fire-ant hill with honey spread all over my genetalia.

on the plus side, however, i got a new computer, i guess.

i am now looking at some of these photographs — especially the bulk of them from off Yahoo! News, and i can’t help but think to myself that holy shit, these bucking fastards seriously need to bump the resolution on the photos they make available for public consumption. gah.

but fairlane, DCup, if you thought Chuck Norris’ hairpiece was intolerable on whatever monitor you’re using, you should see how it looks on a 30″ widescreen. holy crap. actually, in this detail, i have a sneaking suspicion it’s just a bad haircut, but still….he goes out in public. kinda scary.

~~~

at any rate, there will be light posting here for a bit. i have more software to get installed, calibrations to run, data to transfer, and, well, a house to sell. which means that i should occasionally have to disappear whenever a realtor has someone to bring over, and we all know that will only happen at the most inconvenient times. i’ll be sure to leave select blogs open on the monitors (five of them) when they do.

at least, so long as they don’t impede any would-be buyers. it’s not exactly like the grand central station of progressive thought out here….

~d~

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Corbis for TIME

“Vote fer meh, or mah pimp here’ll kick yer goddamn ass!”

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Corbis for TIME

“Yeh know, Gwen. If he even so much as tries for Hispanic votes, Ah’m gonna break him over mah knee like a toothpick.”

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Corbis for TIME

“Respec’ Mah Authoritay, old man! Repeat after me! ‘Ah’m gonna vote fer Huckabee!’ Say it! Say it!!!!”

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Corbis for TIME

“Now, lookit, ya’ll. Ah’m completely drunk off mah ass, but Ah kin guarantee ya’ll that Huck here be thah Total Shit 2000™. An’ fer jist minutes a day, he’s great fer yer abs, too!”

i admire Jon Stewart. his willingness to play host to controversial individuals is remarkable. one of his latest guests was the Doughy Pantload himself, Jonah Goldberg, who is currently out peddling his latest intellectual diarrhea entitled Liberal Fascism. i just can’t bring myself to link to anything that full of shit, so i won’t.

however, Comedy Central has generously posted the edited interview as it was broadcast, which i do include below. if by some remote chance you were unable to view the episode and the interview in that hole under whatever rock you must live, or if you would enjoy watching Jon treat such an inept buffoon with far more respect than he deserves once again, here it is:

i seriously hope that Comedy Central will eventually make available the entire interview. 18 minutes, it was. there’s enough there for an entire half-hour episode.

this morning, over at Sadly, No!, Cliff wrote an exceptional post which goes well beyond the site’s traditional snark and acerbity. a serious piece on why Jonah Goldberg and the National Review (which employs him) are absolutely No Laughing Matter. i believe it falls in the general category of “must read”, so please do.

apparently, the new spin from the National Review, and the “right”, is to attempt to obscure the negative ground upon which they stand, rewrite history, and redefine current arguments in intellectually archaic memes. this is troublesome, and it is dangerous. and i will admit it is frustrating that such demagoguery and willful ignorance must be given the same freedom of expression as truthfulness, compassion, and other non-stagnant forms of intellect.

but at least we have people like Jonah Goldberg out there, making the self-contradicting spin so blatantly obvious. the “right” continues to support progressive ideals by virtue of its own self-deprecation. it’s kind of beautiful, in a sickening way.

so, thank you, Jonah Goldberg. you’re one of the most helpful douchebags supporting the causes i believe in today!

photo credit: AFP/Scott Olson

“Sorry, ladies. Those are the wrong kind of mitts for supporting oven-Mitt. Now, if you really support him, go take off your shoes and get back in the kitchen where he believes you belong.”

tip of the hat for the updated title goes to Pissed in NY, from the comments. bravo, Pissed, bravo!

photo credit: AFP/File/Paul J. Richards

“Responsibilidad gubernamental? ¿Qué es esto?”

photo credit: AFP/Mandel Ngan

Gah. As if there wasn’t enough about him to be embarrassed about, we also have to worry about presidential handlers that thought a sweater looked ‘presidential’. Or are we actually supposed to believe the little man dressed himself?

photo credit: AFP/Mandel Ngan

“Tha money’s behind the spare tire of mah limo. Ah hope ya’ll brought tha good stuff this time!”

photo credit: AFP/File/Hassan Ammar

“You’re welcome!”

photo credit: REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

“It is like this, you see. We do what we want in our own countries. And in your country, where most fifth graders have more common sense than you, they do what they want as well.”

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Time

Here, President Bush receives a special award for “The Most Lives Ruined by Hegemony and Oppression” in 2007.

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Time

“I’ll bet you two camels he trips over his own feet before he’s halfway down the carpet.”

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Time

“Ya’ll got any…uh…’powdered sugar’ back there? Ah like ta start mah day wiff a good snort, if ya know whut Ah mean!”

photo credit: Brooks Kraft / Time

“Okay, ladies. After these photos, let’s head back to my hotel and get it on! All except that one lady with the beard, anyway!

Oh! Damn, that’s great! You bring along some o’ them little altar boys for the VeePee, then! Helluva deal!”