Lying to Myself

 

Somewhat unrelated picture that somehow captures what I'm feeling anyway.

Somewhat unrelated picture that somehow captures what I’m feeling anyway.

I’m not entirely sure that what I write here has much to do with Jered’s original intention for the site. I hit on atheism and feminism, but I also spend a lot of time writing about mental health and particularly my own messed up brain. I’m not sure that it constitutes Thinking Unenslaved, but it definitely has to do with thinking. I’m trying to decide if I need to find more focus or if I should just go with it. Or at least go with it until Jered kicks me off of his site. 🙂

Tonight is going to be more matters of the brain. It’s what’s on my mind (ha ha), and also one of two topics that I can even focus on at the moment.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would do anything to have it? I’m not talking about a material thing, but something that is for all practical purposes out of your control as to whether or not it happens. And you want it, desire it, thirst for it so badly for so long that it starts getting painful to think about. You try to stop thinking about it but you just can’t; it’s always there somewhere in the back of your mind. If you do somehow manage to stop thinking about it for, oh maybe five minutes, you run right into something that triggers it again. It becomes all consuming. Eventually, for your own well-being, it has to stop. You start to tell yourself that you don’t want it anymore, that you’ll be fine without it. Of course, you don’t believe it at first. Little by little, the idea starts to chip away. After enough time has passed, you actually start to believe that you’re fine either way. Way down the road, you start to question whether you really wanted the thing in the first place. Maybe you’re better off without it? All the pros of not having it that you unconvincingly said when you started trying to convince yourself all of a sudden sound a lot more believable. Then without you noticing it until it hits you, there’s a day where you realize that you’re truly okay without it.

Once you’ve reached that state, it’s not long before life decides to toy with you, and all of a sudden out of the blue, there’s actually a possibility of the thing you wanted in the first place happening.

It leaves you in an uncomfortable spot; do you let down your guard and hope that the thing could be a reality? But what if it doesn’t pan out? Do you let yourself go back to whiling away the hours wishing for it? It’s a hard thing to just shut off and turn on. Do you just stay set in the path that it’s not happening and that you never really wanted it anyway? And what if you do that and it does happen – then what? Or what if you do that, and it doesn’t happen, and you end up blaming yourself for it? I’m lying to myself either way; which way is the lesser of two evils, the way that will hurt me and my overactive brain the least?

Either way, you know the truth. You know what you want, you’ve just buried it deep down for a really long time and convinced yourself to believe your lies. Digging it up is going to cause an avalanche of emotions, but maybe that’s healthier than the robot front you’ve been donning to avoid the pain?

*Sigh*

THIS is why I can’t concentrate on anything today.

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