post-migraine insight

blog-mental-health-638x425I get two types of migraines, either starting as episodic tension headaches, or stress headaches induced by severe contraction of my neck and shoulder muscles. Both are grossly affected by hydration for me. I’ve been juggling both types simultaneously the past five days, due to various stressors, and i know that my decision-making skills have been somewhat compromised: decisions, unfortunately, such as maintaining proper hydration.

It’s been about three years since I’ve done the neurologist tap-dance on my migraines. I know what they are, I know how they’re caused, I know what I should be doing to prevent them; and I know what I’m not doing in that particular regard. Luckily for me, after a few days (yes, five days is “a few”; I’ve had them carry on for weeks in the past), the latter of which I’ve been dutifully hydrating….anyway, the nice thing is that I’ll somehow finally get a good sleep, finally get my middle and upper back to relax, and the pain finally begins to taper off significantly enough that it’ll wake me up in such a way as to inform me that sleeping in would be a good thing.

And that’s just what I did today.

So, that’s all well and good, but the really nice thing about when these headaches taper off, is an extended moment of what always feels like supreme clarity: when I know precisely, in intimate detail, what I need to be doing with my life, and every little thing I’ve been doing to compromise it.

These are strange moments: a certain highly-positive exhilaration combined with a particularly poignant form of self-loathing, both of which are unavoidable, inescapable, and uncompromising. To call such moments a self-love/hate thing would be to demean them greatly: as much as I abhor the process that brings me here, these are the moments with myself I actually cherish, remember, and love. And that’s an honest truth: I work so much within my subconscious mind in my private life, that there is very little I remember about my past in functional terms. The vast majority of the times I remember are post-migraine, post drug-use, post-trauma, post-some significant moment. the rest mostly fades away into aggregate perceptions over periods of time.

So today, there is a certain clarity—a certain vibrancy—to everything. Even within what is still this local environmental study of browns, everything seems bright and colorful, and there is a clarity to my thoughts that seems to be rarely retained anymore. It’s about all I can do to write about it in general terms. And no, I’m not going to tell you about what’s on my mind today; that would totally ruin the fun, but I will say that some of it falls very well in line with the goals my fellow blogger, MandyCommandy, recently described for our local group of freethinkers. And the rest of it, well, it’s a bit more personal than I like to get on this blog, but suffice it to say that I’m going to quit trying to hand-paddle up certain shit-creeks I’ve been getting nowhere on. I just wish that when my life was so engaged that it didn’t take five days of headaches to arrive at moments like this.

I love this time of the year, and I’m pleased that this moment coincided with the Easter/Eostre/Ostara holiday: it’s a lovely time of renewal, no matter how one spins the politico-religious context of it. So, a significant shift of attitude and attention results, at least for me, at least today. And I’m excited by that.