Tonight finds me in a strange sort of mood. One that ebbs and flows and is caught up in the abstract, but also very specific and detail-oriented. I’m sure this won’t make any sense at all, so bear with me as I attempt to formulate my thoughts into something that resembles sentences.
Do you ever feel trapped? So incredibly locked in by the day-to-day that you’re absolutely suffocating? So stuck that you get to a spot where you don’t even think about freeing yourself anymore? So completely lodged in place that there isn’t even room for your lungs to expand enough to breathe?
That’s where I’ve been for a while. All of that compression makes me stressed, physically ill, and sets my mind into hyper mode until it eventually gives up for the time being. That’s when the funk sets in, and I feel as though I have a permanent dark cloud just chilling overhead. It lifts eventually, but only time seems to eradicate my mini thunderstorm.
Tonight I did something that made me feel like I have the slightest little bit of wiggle room. It wasn’t even a big thing. I can’t say what, and it probably won’t turn out to be anything at all. Even the act of doing it, with or without the desired outcome, has made me feel like I was able to take in a deep and much needed breath. It made me think, for the moment anyway, that maybe I do have options; maybe part of my being stuck is self-imposed because I don’t have enough confidence to free myself. It’s also the comfort of the rut; it takes a lot of work to get out of one, whereas it’s much easier to just nestle down in and stay awhile. The good news is, I’m not afraid of work; I haven’t met a challenge that I backed down from yet.
I am absolutely terrible at self care. I know how important it is, and I encourage others to partake in it. Myself though, I just feel self-indulgent. It feels wrong to take care of myself instead of others, to worry about my needs instead of the needs of someone else. Sometimes I’m not even sure that I know how to take care of myself, but I do, I just can’t seem to apply to myself the concepts that I help others with. Self care is absolutely an area that I need to work on in order for me to succeed at anything. This run-down, spread-thin shell of myself certainly isn’t going to be able to get the job done.
Perhaps there’s hope for me to crawl out of this hole that I’ve been in. I’m not saying that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’ll say that there seems to be a tiny crack in the tunnel wall that I can see the tiniest sliver of daylight through. It might not mean that I’m close to finding happiness, but at least I can acknowledge that it’s out there somewhere, waiting for me to find it.