1.) Spring is in the air, which makes me feel fresh and full of ideas. So many that it takes conscious effort to sort through and organize them so that actual work can begin. I feel energized and ready to move forward and take on the world.
2.) I am so absolutely annoyed by (some) other humans that it makes me wonder why I even bother. I’m sick of people actively trying to bring others down, fed up with people that just expect more and more of me without ever putting in any effort, and I’m damn tired of people that butt into my business for no reason.
As is expected, my yo-yo brain is giving me whiplash. Today is like a roller coaster of moods, and I’m not sure what to expect from minute to minute. I have to wonder if they are connected, although so different.
Often when I experience something good or that truly makes me happy, it is followed by a funk because the things that make me that happy just aren’t sustainable in the day-to-day for me at this point. For example, when I went to Memphis for the American Atheists Convention, I had such a great time. I felt truly happy and actually relaxed. It had been so long since I felt that way that I had forgotten what it was like. All the tension that I carry in my back and neck was gone, my brain slowed down to a reasonable pace, and I didn’t worry about all kinds of things that probably weren’t going to happen. I was surrounded by like-minded supportive people that appreciate me. Upon returning to South Dakota, I fell into a funk because of the drastic change. Here, I am supported but it’s not the same – there are definitely more people that don’t than do. I’m surrounded by people that think so very differently about basic human rights that it’s absurd. It’s not just location though, it’s the interpersonal as well. Like, I don’t have a lot of friends where I live. I actually have almost none in the town that I live in. I have a lot of friends from other places and other towns, but I don’t get to see them enough.
So I have to wonder if today is similar – if the highs are also causing the lows to be lower than usual, but just on a shorter timeframe than usual. The back and forth is frustrating and uncomfortable, and I’m trying to find a way to even it out a little more. Writing often helps, and so here I am. I’m also hydrating to try to stave off the predictable headache that accompanies mood swings and anxiety days. I went to the gym to try to work off my frustrations. I dipped into my PRN lorazepam just a little bit ago in hopes that it can help even me out a little bit.
I’m also quite perplexed because it seems like when my brain is all a mess, I also do my best thinking. To be sure, there is a point where the anxiety causes me to not be able to focus or think. Often though, when my brain is going a mile a minute, it produces more ideas and reaches further outside the box. When I’m happy or content it slows down and the thoughts and ideas don’t come as readily. So, while I want to be happy, I worry that the moodiness and anxiety is what feeds me being a productive human. Contrarily though, when I am truly happy, like at AACon, I have plenty of ideas, but I’ve got to chalk that up to atmosphere and environment. I don’t have that here in this big square red state, so how can I create an environment conducive to a healthy and productive thought cycle?
As per usual, my twisting thought path has taken me to big life questions, and the one that continuously pops up is how realistic is it for me to stay in South Dakota and be happy? I’m just not really sure.