Under Pressure

I’m just me – this insignificant combination of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. There are over seven billion other life forms just like me inhabiting Earth at this time.

Yet, I’m naive enough to think that I can make a difference in the world. My belief is that each of us should leave this place a little better than how we found it. I say a little, but what I mean is a significant amount better than how we found it. I particularly have high expectations of myself – I want to see a world where real equality is a thing, and I want to be a part of that change.

I’m a planner, I have an overactive brain, and I have anxiety. I continuously wonder if I’m doing enough, or if I’m doing the right things to reach my end goals. Am I focusing my energy in the best way? What if I’m allocating my time wrong? What if I’m in the wrong place? What if I’m in the right place and I leave it? What if in the end, I’ve accomplished nothing at all?

Although I’m not old, I feel as though more sands have passed through the hourglass than should have. The pressure of fitting what I want to in before the Grim Reaper comes calling is suffocating at times. And yes, these pressures are self-imposed, but they’re important to me so I’m not letting up.

I have a severe case of wanderlust, but I’m afraid of what happens if I leave.  I’m afraid that I might let people down, or I might lose important people in my life. I know… if they’re that important, they’ll be there no matter where you are, but the concern is still real. Everyone important in my life leaves at some point. I worry that I will miss important happenings.

I’m afraid that I’ll never be satisfied. Ever. In any area of my life.