Thinking Unenslaved

the following was originally published at my personal blog before i “resurrected” this one this past Oestre-tide. because i was rolling like that at the time. This is probably a more appropriate category for this blog, however, so consider this a kick-off to a new series.

Abraham: Hey, son, let’s take a walk.
Isaac: Cool, dad. I’m tired of driving everywhere, anyway.
Abraham: Great. Hey, grab that bag for me?
Isaac: Sure, dad. What’s in this thing?
Abraham: We call it “Awesomesauce,” son.
Isaac: Can I try some?
Abraham: Hahahahaha…No.
….
Trudge, trudge. Gulp. Trudge, trudge. Gulp.
….
more trudging, gulping.
….
Abraham: Ah, let’s rest here for a bit.
Isaac: Good idea, dad. You’re pretty much all over the trail.
Abraham: Don’t be a punk, smartass. Why don’t you go get me some wood?
Isaac: Why do you want some…
Abraham: DON’T ASK ME QUESTIONS, BITCH! GET THE DAMNED STICKS!
….
Rummage, rummage, rummage.
Elsewhere…swig, gulp, fart.
Carry, drop, sigh, rummage.
Isaac: Is that enough yet, pops?
Abraham: You stop when I tell you to stop, boy.
Isaac: {sigh}
Abraham: Don’t you sigh at me, boy! I’ll beat you so hard your momma loses teeth!
….
rummage, carry, drop, sigh, rummage.
swig, gulp, fart.
etc.
….
Isaac: Dad. There’s no more sticks within a three mile radius. Is that enough?
Abraham: Shit…thassalotta sticks, boy. What the hell ya doin?
Isaac: DAD! You TOLD me to get the sticks!
Abraham: Did not!
Isaac: Did too!
Abraham: Son, donchu be tellin me what I did and didn’t do.
Isaac: ….
Abraham: Go get th’goat, boy.
Isaac: What goat?
Abraham: Nebbermind. I’ll get th’goat. You stack up these sticks real nice for a fire.
Isaac: Gah. Yessir.
….
(sound of Abraham peeing somewhere not far off)
grumble, stack. grumble, stack. sigh. grumble.
enter Abraham, sans goat, scowling.
Isaac: What’s wrong, dad?
Abraham: Nuttin’.
Isaac: Aw, c’mon, dad…the goat get away?
Abraham: Yeah, that, an’ I’m outta booze.
Isaac: Outta what?
Abraham: Awesomesauce.
Isaac: Oh. So what’re we gonna do?
Abraham: Uh…I’m thinkin…nap-time.
Isaac: Sounds good to me, I’m tired after all this work!
Abraham: Stop yer ‘plainin, boy! Shaddup’n lay down on them there sticks.
Isaac: Do what?
Abraham: You go ahead and lay on th’sticks. Looks comfy. I’ll jist curl up over here….
Isaac: On the sticks? You’re serious?
Abraham: Yes, I’m serious.
Isaac: The sticks where we were gonna sacrifice the goat.
Abraham: Well….yeah.
Isaac: On the pile of flammable wood.
Abraham: Yes!
Isaac: Made for a sacrifice.
Abraham: YES!
Isaac: Where things….die.
Abraham: Get on the sticks, boy, and don’ gimme no more’f yer damn lip!
Isaac: {sigh}
….
shuffle. climb. {sigh}
….
time passes.
….
Abraham: You sleepin, boy?
….
Abraham: You ‘wake, boy?
….
Abraham: Dammit.
….
shuffle, shuffle.
….
Isaac: DAD! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT KNIFE?!?!?!
Abraham: Ummmm….
Isaac: HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKIN DRUNK BASTARD!!!!
Abraham: Aw, I was just kiddin’, kiddo. C’mon….don’t be such a prick.
Isaac: Jesus, man.
Abraham: C’mon, git down. Let’s go home.
Isaac: Gahhhhhh…..
….
trudge, trudge, trudge.
….
Isaac: Dad?
Abraham: Yeah?
Isaac: You’re the best daddy ever!

the more you blog, the more you toot.

something like that, anyway.

Some unshaven simian has cursed me—i mean, tagged me—with the gratuitously insipid middle name meme.

TEH RULEZ, as copied from the accursed simian’s blog:

1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.
2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don’t have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother’s maiden name).
3. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person (or blogger of another species) for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged.)

it is potentially of note that the simian in question did not comply with rule #3, and i only happened to notice the tagging of me by virtue of my dutiful inspection of his RSS feed. i guess he’s busy with his campaign and all. pfft. whatever.

like the aforementioned simian, i don’t follow rules, because rules are for the mindless masses who fail to recognize that exercising one’s free will in support of the greater good is beneficial. besides, why try to start setting a good example for my children now? not to mention the fact that “Dawnne” is one of my middle names already, and both it and the other one are too short to be “fun”, at least not in my opinion.

so, for the purposes of this meme, my middle name is “POOPYHEAD”, chosen for both its appropriate attribution in my case, and of course for its inherent sense of maturity and acumen.

· P ~ Pr0n. one of my first contracts when i was just starting out in the self-employed world was to code a database-driven image-delivery system for a pornography website. the cheap bastards never made their final payment, but were i to re-activate a certain email address, i could see how much it was being used. last time i checked, the system was installed on over 15,000 websites! fame! fortune! o wait…. i would have told the bastards to go fuck themselves, but i figure doing what they do for a living, they probably do that enough anyway.
· O ~ Objectivity. i am, actually, fairly objective. i consider it one of my finer qualities. i don’t consider myself to be perfectly consistent in this category, but i’m fairly (pardon the pun) conscientious about it.
· O ~ Omnivore. this is the fault of the Spouse Unit (aka Mrs. Other). when we met, i largely consumed cheap beer and dead cows with the occasional chicken. now, i actually eat my vegetables and fruits, drink wine, and catch myself from time to time actually wanting a salad.
· P ~ Poopyhead. no explanation required, i’m sure. what, you expected more? sue me.
· Y ~ . fuck. i just HAD to pick a word with “Y” in it, didn’t i? ummm…. YouTube. there ya go. as in, i watch some shit on YouTube but since i’m too goddamned lazy to videotape anything, i never contribute.
· H ~ Hungry. i really suck at making sure i have a good breakfast each morning, and here it is nearly 1:00 p.m. and i still haven’t eaten.
· E ~ Entelligent. as exemplified by my awesome speling skillz, i am extremely entelligent and thoroughly dedicated to taking memes seriously.
· A ~ Asshole. as pretty much exemplified by every post on the otherwhirled. so, bite me.
· D ~ Dumbass. this is what i will, no doubt, continue to be until #1 Son is somewhere in his 20′s, after which i will suddenly and mysteriously become insightful.

YOU ARE HEREBY TAGGIFIED: don’t argue with me. just do it.

1. Adam H
2. DolciDeleria
3. Stringer
4. Sorghum Crow
5. black marks on wood pulp
6. Daughter The First
7. The Spouse Unit
8. Scott

crap. that’s enough already. i’m pretty sure the rest of you on the blogroll (which i still need to fix here and resynchronize with the otherwhirled) have already been tagged.

…the saga continues….

we last left our intrepid search engine reporter in his WordPress stats. that was….oooops….three weeks ago. my how time flies when i’ve got a house on the market and various other things i jokingly refer to as “responsibilities”. today’s report comes from a mixture of WordPress Stats and Google Analytics. remember, you can sell your soul to WordPress and Google at any time. just like commander other did!

1. graph and corruption ~ congratulations. someone learned how to spell it right!
2. muslim hookers ~ oh yes, there are such things!
3. chuck-n-huck ~ what’s upchuck? Chuck-n-Huck!
4. link:http://zaiusnation.blogspot.com/ ~ yes, Dr. Zaius. commander other still loves you. well, actually, being partial to hopeless causes, he secretly has a thing for Germaine Gregarious. but i digress….
5. “i’m not comparing mccain to hitler. hitler had a coherent tax policy” ~ stupid Coulter bitch. and yes, the title “i love the right wing” was dripping with sarcasm.
6. “miracle of america” hegemony ~ that’s interesting. gets a partial-word-score on “miracle”: STFU. hrm, i see i should someday sync up my tags. hegemony: tag. keyword.
7. jcpenney spring collection ~ holy cow. i forgot about this one!
8. arizona senator dyke’s email ~ er…um…sounds like an interesting search. “arizona senator” triggers this guy, though.
9. big butts.com ~ domain names don’t have spaces in them, dumbass (yeah, pardon the pun. pfft!) maybe you like big butts? Rudy does.
10. clip art, steaming turd ~ Gah! Delia! they’re trying to steal your Christmas present!
11. condi´s legs ~ GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish they’d stop showing them.
12. condi nude ~ MY EYES! MY EYES! MY EYES!
13. feeding frenzy ~ she’s so beautiful when she sees money.
14. jewel ~ she’s so cool. and relevant. and totally not a poser. really.
15. pez xanax ~ hey, that’s a nice one. i’ve got just the thing for you!
16. pictures of laura bush in a pantsuit ~ bummer. this is one of those old ones from when i wasn’t keeping the photos locally.
17. white bitches ~ i guess i thought this one was funnier than everyone else did. o well!
18. lots of love doll drink ~ hrm. okay. i gots lots of love dolls.

previous shenanigans and related things:

• Search Engine Shenanigans VI
• Search Engine Shenanigans Revived!
• Search Engine Shenanigans IV
• Search Engine Shenanigans III
• Spam Hog Attraction Pondering
• This Week in Otherwhirledly Visitations
• Search Engine Shenanigans

photo credit: AP Photo/Jerome Delay

Read the Custom Blue Screen

photo credit: Linda Davidson – The Washington Post

“…always go for the black guys.”

photo credit: Kirsty Wigglesworth / AP

mmmm….warm, fresh bullshit. it’s not just for breakfast anymore!

i feel compelled to point out to those of you searching Google, Yahoo, Ask, and other internet search-engines, that the real phrase in question is “Graft and Corruption”.

this post, which sadly dates from a period in which i didn’t host the photographs internally, was a “pun”.

just sayin’.

to like, literally, 20-odd visitors per day since monday.

from domains belonging to certain universities on the east coast.

not that i assume that people are inherently morons or anything….but at least you can spell “graph” correctly, even though you apparently don’t mean to.

and since the vast majority of friends to this blog are east-coasters, i’ll tactfully refrain from drawing any analogies.

out loud.

but if you happen to know a college student in a poli-sci course who has to research “graft and corruption”, if you’d kindly smack them upside the head for me, i’d greatly appreciate it. because they’re searching, literally, on the title of this post, not “graft and corruption”, as one would assume any semi-literate college student to be doing.

pfffffffft!

photo credit: Troy Maben – AP

Wait a minute! Is it possible that Jenna has a least a shred of common sense? No, no such luck, it seems:

Obama supporter Stacy Falkner of Idaho shows off her favorite hat inside Boise’s Qwest Arena before the start of the Ada County Democratic Caucus. Several thousand people were expected to attend the event.

photo credit: Preston Keres – The Washington Post


…how many states Obama would have won if the stage crew had remembered the pole.

photo credit: REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

You’re A Prayer for Owen Meany!
by John Irving
Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

~~~

utter tripe and codswallop, of course. but i’ll come back to read this from time to time and pretend like it makes me feel good about myself or something….

~~~

found at Mock, Paper, Scissors, who got it from Comrade Kevin.

photo credit: Erik Van ‘T Woud / AFP / Getty

1. Britney Spears’ new boyfriend is seen here retrieving her career for another empty, meaningless, night on the town.

2. Anna Nicole Smith reportedly found a new boyfriend today. He’s a real wheeler-dealer.

3. An attempt to resurrect Janet Jackson’s relevance for this year’s SuperBowl was thankfully curtailed by crowded sidewalks.

yes, yes, shameless recycling, i know. it’s part of what makes life worth living, isn’t it?

a funny thing i noticed the other day was that searches coming through WordPress do not necessarily match other searches (yahoo, google, etc). in fact, they rarely do. as a result, this installment of Search Engine Shenanigans is derived exclusively from WordPress searches as reported in my blog stats utility. fun, fun, fun!

• otherwhirled ~ several searches on this word over the past week. i’m glad i’m here for you.
• bear attacks ~ one of my more popular WordPress searches. it results in this and this. shameless name-dropping at it’s othewhirledly best.
• presidency ages you ~ yes, yes it does. my apologies for this one. this is from further back than i could resurrect the photo. that’s one of the reasons why i host the photos here, now.
• hillary nude {with various spellings} ~ thankfully, there are no results for this search on my blog, so i’m sure i get hits from that because of the use of “Hillary”, “Hilary”, etc. but i must say, as a search phrase, the 37 of you who have come here during the past week from it are absolutely disgusting. and you have no taste. gah. sickos!
• condoleezza rice (condi, condoleeza, condoleza, etc) nude ~ now here, i can help you out. unsurprisingly, the variations of this all together constitute my most popular search phrase.
• satan three heads ~ i was intrigued by this, but it’s another one that doesn’t directly result in my blog. i like the attitude, though. keep trying! (by word usage, it results in this one, if you’re curious)
• muslim hookers ~ this is my personal favorite. remember, when shopping for muslim hookers, Western Civilization is your #1 Shopping Source! (because you don’t want the ones you wind up with in the middle east)
• touchdown Jesus ~ still scoring after all these months. one of you heathens actually searched for “touchdown jesus” with no capitalization. as i understand things, you’re going to hell.
• how to live like a conservative ~ apparently, these people need tutorials to perpetuate their self-aggrandizing duplicity. sadly, i don’t know that this post gives them enough information.
• pope benedict’s eyes ~ yes, i’ve got them, and i’m not giving them back. this gives a match on this post, which is probably not what they’re looking for.
• Otherlings ~ stay away from my children, you perverts!
• Condi’s legs ~ you incorrigible bastards! Gwen Ifil is going to kick your asses. you’re not supposed to be looking at her legs.
• chuck norris–hairpiece ~ hah, hah, hah! yeah, no fecking doubt.

previous shenanigans:

• I
• II
• III
• IV
• V

alright… since Freida (freakin) Bee said i have to….

(i kid, i kid….i actually enjoy some of these meme things, or i wouldn’t participate. i just have to maintain the semblance of acerbic asshole, after all. it goes with the name).

teh rulz: Write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND—and this is important, hence the use of capitalization and bold—ONE of them (AND ONLY FECKING ONE OF THEM, YA LAZY BASTIDS) must come from your tagger’s list. (and i’m goddamn serious about that shit, okay? if the likes of commander other can can follow teh rulz, you sure as hell can. understood? good. i thought so!!!)

Now, in Commander Other’s opinion, that means you only get to use the title of one of your tagger’s items. If you don’t jazz up the content of the course offering sufficiently, it is possible that Commander Other will suddenly appear on your front door-step, asking to audit your lazy-minded, plagiaristic course!!!

NOTE: i was trying to finish this up yesterday when this happened. sorry to be so behind on this.